what broody betty is teaching

broody betty is back in

general population
after a four-day isolation
in the igloo dog house
so. glad.
we chose to intervene
her comb is perkier
she's competing for, and winning, earth worms
(thank you, tropical storm andrea)
but best?
she seems to have overcome her overwhelming bent
toward self-destructive brooding
and
this is more than a micro-farm poultry success
it's a lesson in loving the ones around us
who can't fight it anymore-
this overwhelming bent toward self-destruction -
what jesus did first?
he stopped
when we come out of ourselves and stop
then we can
pray
listen
research
and
push our loved ones
off
the
nest

i am so thankful for the people who pushed me those years ago when i was determined to be the thinnest. woman. ever. we cannot ignore our friends and family who need us. if you feel inadequate, get advice from experts. pray without ceasing. but, please, don't do nothing.

i  would love to hear your thoughts on intervention....

linking with-

grace for FYBF, beholding glory for faith-filled friday, cheryl for true vine challenge, barbie for freshly brewed life

potatoes in the herb garden (when god wrecks your plans)

jack and i labored long over

from left to right: potato, basil, sage
all over: rye

the raised bed,
just the right perimeter stones
in just the right places
i carefully selected soil
from the fresh-tilled vegetable garden
and collected organic fertilizer
from the chickens
(thank you, girls)
a gentle watering
and then the waiting for
thyme
sage
basil
oregano
cilantro
parsley
to create their pinterest-worthy tangles of yum
but what's this?
rye? corn? (thank you, girls)
and....
a potato?
sigh.
i pulled the rye and corn
(i continue to pull rye and corn)
but i am leaving that potato plant
because
new potatoes with sage and parsley?
it's what we do when life hands us
potatoes
i am so thankful that our lord sees fit to
wreck
our
plans
or i wouldn't have this blog
or i wouldn't this testimony
or i wouldn't have my girl, the one i mentor
or i wouldn't have this stronger marriage
so these potatoes?
i will savor
every
bite
amen.

what about you? what do you have because god wrecked your plans?

linking with jennifer and emily today.

on the scale (full well)

me on the left, friend in the center and my twin on the right
c. 1978 (an era of confidence)

i liked myself as a child
you know, 
before adolescence and an awareness
of
others
it was maybe fourth grade when
i began building this 
ramshackle self-image
on the shoddy foundation
of the world's eye
that saw 
stringy hair, ruddy complexion, 
spectacles and old clothes
in my thirties
i befriended 
the scale, the world's voice
fluent in lies as well as numbers
she interprets weights and assigns blame
she dictates our days and strips us of self-worth
she is power
(if we allow it)
and i fell for it
the husband, moms, sisters, doctors wanted me to know
what david-god's-beloved knew....
he had a heart tuned to 
god's eye 
god's voice
and he sang
i praise you because i am 
fearfully and wonderfully 
made;
your works are wonderful, 
i know that full well
this breath-taking verse revisited yesterday

and i retucked it into memory

for when the world tries to speak

and i need her to 

hush

so, what is your relationship to the scale? 

continuing to count his gifts to 1000-

908. sunshine after four days of....not
909. a sweet note from a student
910. an email from a friend of a different season....coffee to come
911. snow-in-the-south - 3 inches!!!!
912. an hour and a half in the car with my husband after his trip to jamaica
913. blankets
914. the heatable rice sack i put in my bed each night = warm feet
915. my girl, the one i mentor, who made me the rice sack
916. watching the sun rise....right.now.

linking with -

michelle for hear it monday, use it on sunday, ann for 1000 gifts, emily for tuesdays unwrapped,

joan for sharing his beauty, laura for playdates with god, amber for concrete words, jen for soli deo gloria, my freshly brewed life and kat for titus 2 tuesdays

waiting for the sun - how anorexia affected our marriage

the mountain road called my name
but saturday was gray and dripping
so i set my asics aside
to wait for the sunday sun
and
the deluge reminded me
of the rainy season
in our marriage
when ed (anorexia) had slipped in
and i loved him most
because chris threatened my thinness
i was
self-destructive
determined
hard-hearted
and
chris was
confused
afraid
angry
we were gray and dripping
but we waited for the sun
and in the waiting we listened
to god and wise counsel
and in the waiting we worked
at love
and in the waiting we began
to turn from ourselves
until a new day
arrived

how about you? what do you do in the waiting?

continuing to count his gifts to 1000 -

784. gathering eggs
785. first soup of the season
786. field trip success (we didn't see a snake)
787. time for naps
788. grocery shopping with my husband
789. son dressed up for dinner and a dance
790. a friend's book on the way

linking with -

michelle for hear it monday, use it on sunday, ann for 1000 gifts, l.l. for on, in, and around mondays

joan for sharing his beauty, laura for playdates with god, elaine for miss elaine-ous monday, jen for soli deo gloria shanda for on your heart tuesdays and kat for titus 2 tuesdays

women and the desire to be "er"

this post-it note hung on my mirror for years
chris preserved it for me in a shadow box

my boys count their
scars with pride
twelve just on my left leg
and crooked fingers are to covet
i broke this one in 7th grade football
but women and girls
wish
noses were cuter
skin clearer
eyes a deeper hue
waists smaller
legs thinner
hair straighter, curlier, lighter, darker
and
this desire to be er
is not a god idea
he
formed my inward parts
and knitted me together
when we stare ourselves down
wishing to be er
we are
berating
god

how do we break this cycle of self-loathing and become women who praise him for his wonderful works? i really want to know.

linking with:

emily for imperfect prose
jen for god bumps
joy for life:unmasked
seeds of faith for #ifellowship

for my girl, upon graduation

yes, another sunrise picture. i can't help it.
and yes, it's my brother's.

you called me that time
because
your dad wanted you to
and i could tell
that your carefully constructed world of
control
was chinked and threatening to crumble
when you called me that time
i already knew
that anorexia
had the
real
control
but i still wasn't ready
with anything except
i understand
now
you stand
in cap and gown
ready
because the rest of life
rises like the sun
you are my girl
my spiritual daughter
i love you
and
i'm proud of you
for recovery
for graduation
for clinging to christ
you called me that time
and
i'm so glad you did

mentoring my girl has been rewarding, to say the least. how about you? what are your experiences with mentoring?

linking with -

emily for imperfect prose
jen for god bumps
joy for life:unmasked

on becoming full - guest posting at chasing silhouttes

i started hating myself in february, 2005. i was 35 years old. the reasons are irrelevant, the consequences critical.
i committed to swimming and speed walking everyday.
i wanted to lose ten pounds by my check-up in august. because ideal weight was too much.
and i lost it.
life-altering change hit me head-on in the fall
and i stopped eating altogether.
i lost 20 more pounds.
and ed (eating disorder) had grabbed right hold....

to continue reading, click here to join me at chasing silhouettes for my first guest post!

and for these i am thankful:

178. troops
179. weird sunburn (i got so excited to see a friend at the pool that i apparently ditched the sunscreening effort midway through the process)
180. my girl, the one i mentor, eating out by herself
181. my nephew, parks, graduating high school
182. quiet early morning
183. weeding the garden with the boys
184. fresh salad
185. husband, who starts man camp with our older today (this means that hank is learning to use the chainsaw)
186. romans 8 (our bible study class finished a six-week delve into the book yesterday!)
linking up with:

ann for 1000 gifts
jen for soli deo gloria

42 minutes and 55 seconds

i talked with
my girl, the one i mentor
today
she on her porch
me on mine
i
smiled
laughed
cried

and i was reminded that
she carries so many
burdens
more than
anyone i know
and she's seventeen

like the israelites
tying the commands
as symbols
on their hands
she wants a tattoo
on her wrist
a sparrow
a heart
and
john 11:4
this sickness will not end in
death
no
it is for god's glory

i simply love her.

and god has given me even more -

156. my own healing
157. finding what's lost
158. mom feeling better
159. making people happy with cookies
160. bluebirds
161. sunday morning bible study
162. this husband. my rock.

the links:

michelle at graceful for hear it on sunday, use it on monday
ann at a holy experience for multitude mondays
jen at finding heaven for soli deo gloria sisterhood

shopping trip?

short-lived crisis - a pair of pants
did.
not.
fit.
which means i've gained
weight
and this
messed
with
my
head
old ed*
he started feeding
me the familiar lines
eat less
run more
lose
lose
lose
but
holding the secret
and
dropping the weight
has lost its
luster....
and
i decided i would
rather
have mint oreos and new pants
than
a date with
ed

*ed - eating disorder

what speaks to you? tries to draw you back in?

end-of-week links:

emily for imperfect prose
tiffani for word women wednesday
bonnie at the faith barista for the faith barista jam
christy for as of late
beki at the rusted chain for fingerprint friday
michelle for caffeinated randomness
studio jru for sneak peek friday
jennifer v. davis

little foot

it was four months ago
when the first call came
a scared daddy
whose daughter
was whittled away
and he wondered...
could i talk to her?

and then she was there

on my phone
and i could only say
i understand
i know
and god has been faithful
filling me up
so
i can pour out
filling me up
so
i can pour out
and it's now
and she's away for a while
but she can call me at night
and i will say
i know
i understand
and
i will pray-
god,
fill
her
up


on this day that i speak of anorexia and a struggler....check out the book review (and give-away) over at amy's: http://amylsullivan.blogspot.com/2011/02/eating-disorder-full-and-book-for-you.html. she wrote a gracious review of my book, and we've opened up the comments for people to write me questions that i will answer. i've provided my regular wednesday-friday links below.

k

beki at the rusted chain for fingerprint friday

four smiles

1. a great read: Burning Bright, short stories by ron rash. north carolina mountains author. north carolina mountains stories. loved it. you should read it. just saying.
2. another great read: Three Little Words, a memoir by ashley rhodes-courter. a little ouchie and a lot hopeful, this is a story about a young girl's life in foster care.
3. i'm kind of mentoring (?) a young lady as she battles anorexia. she gave me a painting she did just for me for christmas. hopeful colors. hopeful verse. she is beautiful
4. my brother climbed this tree to hang this star in remembrance of his son and the son. i'm so proud to be his sister.

tipping the balance

I had a doctor's appointment this past week. Just a follow-up visit concerning blood pressure and a cyst, shouldn't have been anything earth-shattering. And guess who was assigned to take me back? A community college student studying to be a nurse's aid. Now, I know everyone has to train, bless their hearts, but who wants to be the guinea pig??? Nothing against her, she was nice enough, but she mis-weighed me. I stepped on the scale, and for someone with a background in anorexia, this simple act can dredge up a vast array of feelings. Someone once told me that he hasn't weighed fifty times in his life. At the height of my low weight, I weighed at least fifty time a day. We have a love/hate relationship, the scale and I. Even though I only weigh at doctors' offices, I can guess my weight pretty accurately - wouldn't it be cool if we could win prizes for that? So, let's call her, Danielle, weighed me in far, far too low. Achieving that weight takes work - an active disorder. And Chris notices and makes remarks. And my clothes are much looser. I'm sure that number has a piece in  my book. I know it well. I was absolutely positive, standing there on the scale beside Danielle, that I was at a healthier weight. I stepped off and asked for a do over. Same thing. And she said something like, "That's all I can give you," as if weights are something doled out to us and she'd met her quota for the day. I was at once aggravated and scared. What if it was true????? I saw a lot of chocolate milk, sweet tea and ice cream in my future. More than any sane person could ever want. And I could already picture those flinty eyes my husband can get when this disorder threatens us again. I resigned myself to the examining room where Danielle told me to have a seat in the wooden chair. They were all wooden. I had my worst attitude - my sixth grade one - worked up by the time Dr. Joe came in, and he took the brunt of my frustration. I vented. Always so patient. He listened and then simply arranged for an experienced nurse to weigh me one more time. Ahhhhh. My healthy weight. The one I guessed. Now where is my carnival prize?

So what? Some young whipper snapper can't work the scale yet and it's a blog entry? Here's what's blog-worthy about the experience. Not one fiber of my being wanted that low weight. NO PART of me was happy about it. Even when I've felt healthy, looked healthy, had a healthy weight, there has been a part of me set aside that desires the low weight - that feels accomplished when the reading is down. I was so, so relieved to see the higher number that day - and not just because I would be free from reproach, but because I wanted to be okay. So, Danielle, thanks. For messing up. And directing me to the wooden chair. Because I might not have known.

multi-media

We stayed home from church today - something we never do. Chris hasn't plowed us out yet, so here we are. Doesn't even feel like Sunday. We watched a podcast sermon from Cornerstone Simi Valley - Francis Chan is the pastor, and he's awesome. Now Hank is regaling me with riffs on his Christmas guitar. Jack joins in with singing every once in a while. What's my part in the show? I uploaded my first youtube video - it's part one of my last reading. Why only part one? I accidently saved over the long video with this five minute portion. Hmmm. Not an expert with the Flip video program. Not an expert at anything, really, but that's a post for another day. Now I will attempt to embed the video. Watch this! Okay, in case you didn't know, just pasting in the url in the body of the blog doesn't work. Gonna try something else now. Watch this! Sigh. Trying something else now. watch this.