Tuesday, October 12, 2010

going to have to hold my nose

i was hoping
fall
would smell better
this year
once upon a time
it smelled
like love in the air
and
football games
and
cookouts
and
college
and
kids jumping in leaf piles
i was hoping
fall
would smell better
this year
but honestly?
for five years
it's smelled
like
exercise
restriction
purging
lying
losing weight
losing self
i was hoping
for
different

Linking up with Emily for imperfect prose on thursdays....

11 comments:

  1. Chris said this post sounds like I'm really struggling. No, not really. I just wish there were no reminders of such a hard time in my life.

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  2. Here's to where you are today, refined by the fire and better for the struggles you've endured!

    Happy Fall Kendal!

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  3. Kendal,
    You always inspire me. I think you could write about mud, and it would be good.

    For me, sometimes those reminders of the tough times, are what pushes me to continue forward. Hoping the same is true for you.

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  4. Smell is a hard memory to run from, even if you hold your nose it seems to be there still.

    James 1:2-5(NLT) - Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. 3 For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. 5 If you need wisdom - if you want to know what God wants you to do - ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking.

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  5. I was worried that you were struggling too - but here's hoping that the memories that autumn triggers spur you on in strength and victory. x

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  6. smiles. mine need to smell a bit like losing weight...throught he holidays too...ack. hope your good smells return soon.

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  7. your honesty tinged with regret speaks to me. i especially like the last phrase. hopefully different will come soon.

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  8. oh friend... i know this too well. i used to battle an eating disorder too... i'm hoping and praying with you, in a God who redeems. and i'm loving that you linked your brokenness with us... together, we can be strong. bless you sister.

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  9. I hope it can smell like both, then! I don't think it's about forgetting, it's about remembering and living in the beauty and appreciating the beauty wherever we are. Thank you for the beautiful reminder of this.

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  10. kendal..
    I apologize for taking so long to get over here..

    and it must be hard . I don't think it will ever go away, but perhaps fade enough to give you more peace.

    body image and control and food and exercise and all of these things are very real in a house with four daughters plus me.

    how incredible that you were able to overcome something so complicated.

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  11. Kendal. This was beautifully written and courageously spoken. THank you for still fighting, for still being honest, for still being vulnerable--and for letting the world see it.

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