the caloric thorn

I received a food-issues-question from a friend today - 

Does it ever just end, Kendal? Is there complete victory or is it an ongoing battle like Paul’s thorn in the flesh?

And I love that I can answer her with hope - 

Victory over food issues? I think it's like any other addiction or chronic problem, sometimes God chooses to remove the thorn completely and immediately, never another guilty moment, never another temptation so that we rejoice in deliverance. And other times he chooses to allow that thorn to stay so that we learn to rejoice in his sustenance.  My thorn? Finally, after years, is a tiny, itty-bitty splinter that I have mostly forgotten. But for a good eight years, food/fat were my main.thing. Now,  I can barely remember that woman who refused to gain weight, was afraid of food, whose every waking moment was about achieving a caloric deficit....

and this victory-over-thorn declares the glory of the lord. amen.

linking up with  jennifer, emily and barbie

why i don't call myself ugly

Due to a sneaky loss of perspective in my mid-thirties I found myself sitting across from a psychologist or physician several times a month for five years. I had forgotten God (and me) and sought only thin until I was too sick to fix myself and had to have help. One of a psychologist’s most memorable questions was, “When did you first stop thinking of yourself as pretty?”

i'm over at jen's place today. click here to read the rest....

looking for more stories? join jennifer and emily at their blogs where they host writers each week....

on cream cheese and chocolate and miracles..

when i first started this blog
ed was nipping my heels
so
writing about food was
maybe 107th on my list
of preferred topics
but
maybe you should know that
i like to
cook
and
bake
and
eat
and
maybe you should know about
the tasty treat called
cream cheese brownies
and
maybe you should know
that i find this affinity for baked goods
nothing short of
miraculous

ingredients for brownies-from-scratch:

1 cup shortening
3/4 cup cocoa
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup plain flour
1 teaspoon salt

directions: melt shortening in a medium saucepan. stir in the rest of the ingredients, one at a time. transfer batter to a greased, 9x13 pan.

ingredients for delicious topping:

1 8-ounce package cream cheese
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 1/2 cups confectioner's sugar

directions: beat ingredients with a mixer until smooth. spread over brownie batter. bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes.

linking with -

jen for god bumps, joy for life:unmasked, emily for imperfect prose, grace for FYBF, michelle for caffeinated randomness and studio jru for sneak peek friday

these anniversaries

writing for five minutes on change

hurricane katrina's anniversary
stops me cold each year
not that my personal storm can compare
but
the day she slammed into the coast
ed wrapped his last icy finger
on my heart
and i decided to quit eating
this season of storms
has given me pause to reflect on the
change
god has wrought in my life
and
i'm praising him for bringing me
out
into a spacious place
hear me reader,
he can
change.you.too.

are you longing for change? may i pray for you?

linking with -


the gypsy mama for five-minute-friday
beki at the rusted chain for fingerprint friday

michelle for caffeinated randomness

studio jru for sneak peek friday
beholding glory for faith-filled friday

what the scale didn't say

i weighed in a few times this summer
not fifty-three times a day
like the me from years past
not everyday
not even once a week
but i did weigh
and
the scale told me that i'm heavier than a year ago
but what the scale,
for so long one of ed's arms,
didn't say was
you are less than for being more than
or maybe he did say it
and
i just wasn't listening

reflecting not only on god rescuing me from ed, but on the everyday gifts as well. counting them to 1000 -

721. emails from my husband
722. experts working with my kids on their music
723. phone calls from my girl, the one i mentor
724. back-to-school shopping
725. a classroom, ready for students
726. a plan book, although blank right now, ready for the new year
727. excellent colleagues
728. a nephew who will be at my school
729. coaches who care

linking with -

michelle for hear it monday, use it on sunday, ann for 1000 gifts, l.l. for on, in, and around mondays

joan for sharing his beauty, laura for playdates with god, elaine for miss elaine-ous monday, jen for soli deo gloria shanda for on your heart tuesdays and kat for titus 2 tuesdays

does your weight define you?

writing for five minutes on identity

talking with husband late
in the night
remembering the desert time
when i was ill
and
i am
overwhelmed
with
gratitude
that my identity
no longer lies in my
weight
but in christ
and his glory

pray for me on saturday morning as i speak with women about eating disorders? my hope is to bring hope and to keep my "ummms" to a bare minimum.

linking with -
the gypsy mama for five-minute-friday
beki at the rusted chain for fingerprint friday

michelle for caffeinated randomness

studio jru for sneak peek friday

what you might not see in a restaurant

eating sweet potato pancakes
in a restaurant
that has rocking chairs out front
and a gumball machine at the register
my girl, the one i mentor,
sits across from me
and the men in suspenders
and the wives with hair freshly done
don't see her struggle
how she doesn't want to
eat it all
how she doesn't want to
eat at all
but for the glory of the lord
but for the renown of his name
she dips each piece in syrup
and forges her path to
freedom
and
i. am. so. proud.

linking with -

emily for imperfect prose
jen for god bumps
joy for life:unmasked

we all know someone

this week is
national eating disorders awareness week
(maybe you didn't know)
and
my girl, the one i mentor,
was brave enough to
post it on facebook
because she wants everyone
to
know
hope
i'm so proud of
my girl
(maybe you didn't know)



web resources to help with understanding eating disorders:

National Eating Disorders Association
Something Fishy: Website on Eating Disorders

if you know someone who needs help, encourage her (or him) to see her doctor.
and pray for her.
and love her.

linking with:

jen for god bumps
joy for life:unmasked
kimberly for painting prose

beki at the rusted chain for fingerprint friday

michelle for caffeinated randomness

studio jru for sneak peek friday

on beauty

my nephew and me
beach trip 2011

writing for five minutes on beauty

my husband calls me beautiful
all
day
long
even yesterday when he
found me running
sweaty
panting
hair running amok
he stopped the tractor and said
you are beautiful
this is treasure
and
losing ed
has allowed me the  freedom
to like myself
inside and out
and i'm praying for my girl
the one i mentor
the one who is losing ed
instead of weight
i'm praying for her as
she continues her journey
toward freedom
toward liking herself
won't you join me?

even if you have never commented on a blog before, will you try today? i would love for my girl to read your words of encouragement today. just click on the word comments then scroll to the box and write what you would like. then you may either click on anonymous or name/URL. if you click on name/URL, simply type your name in the appropriate box. you may leave the URL box blank. then publish your comment.

linking with:

lisa-jo for five minute friday
casey at the wiegand's

beki at the rusted chain for fingerprint friday

michelle for caffeinated randomness

studio jru for sneak peek friday

for a girl unknown

one of my brother cam's photos

i saw you in wal-mart
this morning
your too-tiny hand reaching
out to touch the boost
i saw you in wal-mart
this morning
your bone-thin crook
covered with cotton ball
and band-aid
you've had blood drawn
haven't you?
i don't know your name
but i know that look
in your eyes
the desperation
the anger
the fear
i don't know your name
but i know you've been
to the doctor today
and now you're ordered
to
gain
weight
and nothing scares you more
than
food
you don't know me
but i want to tell you
that
there
is
hope
you don't know me
but i want to tell you
that
the tiny part of you that wants to get better
can. win.
i've been there
touching the boost
ordered to gain
blood drawn
family terrified
i have
fought
that
battle
and won
i wish i could tell you

and for these i am thankful:

237. tomato sandwiches with fresh, homegrown tomatoes
238. my husband. he holds my hand
239. family reunions
240. finishing good books
241. my girl, the one i mentor. she answered the phone last night <3
242. worshiping with old friends and new
243. seeing the grieving family at church again
244. six days until the finley family beach trip
245. worship camp for my boys
246. scripture memory
247. financial prayers answered

linking with:

michelle for hear it on sunday, use it on monday

ann for 1000 gifts

jen for soli deo gloria

toaster ovens, geronimo and faith?

got to run today as we were off school due to lingering snow and ice on some roads. all that was on my road was dust, and the mail carrier kicked it up as he zoomed past me to deliver yet one more llbean holiday gift catalog to my big silver box. i thought about these as i ran:

1. jack bought a toaster oven at a benefit auction for a lady who needs help paying for her kidney transplant. he used his own $50. he is 11. and i am humbled.
2. one of geronimo's great-great-grandsons is coming over for dinner tomorrow night. will an apache chief from new mexico like molasses ginger cookies?
3. there are these young ladies with eating disorders. and i pray and worry and answer questions and texts. i want god to move in them. to push them closer to health than they could possibly get on their own.

this running is about more than fitness. it's real time with god. it's no interruptions time with god. i finished the last uphill today, my faith stronger, believing that my boys are growing their relationships with jesus, that tomorrow night with an apache chief who loves god will be amazing, and that my ladies who are struggling against an illness that their loved ones are hard pressed to understand will not. stop. fighting.

linking up with jen.

what i said; what He says

the pastor asked
and
i said yes
and
found myself on stage
at church
(what i said)
since then i've listened
to the
hopeless
victorious
frightened
joyful
depressed

my heart
broken
again and again

but God
is a favorite phrase of mine
because what follows is a rescue
it says

this
and
this
and
this
and
this
may have happened...be happening

but God

was
and 
is
and
will be
in the midst

amen

going to have to hold my nose

i was hoping

fall

would smell better

this year

once upon a time

it smelled

like love in the air

and

football games

and

cookouts

and

college

and

kids jumping in leaf piles

i was hoping

fall

would smell better

this year

but honestly?

for five years

it's smelled

like

exercise

restriction
purging

lying

losing weight

losing self

i was hoping

for

different

Linking up with Emily for imperfect prose on thursdays....

let go

Going a little deep today:

Our youth minister planned a ski trip to West Virginia for this weekend, and our older son, Hank, was to attend. I am a wretched worrier when it comes to my children going on trips without me. Yes, I worry about safety, but also about their smells, manners, sloppiness.... In Hank's case I wonder who will ride in the helicopter with him when he is airlifted to a hospital in Charleston because he has snapped his leg in half. There is a precedent. Worry is in my hand basket. At Bible study Wednesday night Beth Moore talked about unforgiveness. She said that if a person holds on to unforgiveness, she can't hold on to Jesus. Hmmmm. I sat there thinking that I have a hand basket of items that keep me from holding on to Him. Let me unpack it: anger, fear, worry, eating disorder, sadness. I understand with my head that Jesus will bear these burdens, in fact, he wants to bear them. I just don't have the slightest idea how to make the transfer. What's in your basket?

Lighter notes:

The trip was canceled!

I had to laugh when I filled out Hank's ski rental form. It was one of those that's carbonized and has little boxes to fill in, you know, one letter or number per box. Now remember, this is a form for renting skis or snowboards. The place to record the age of the renter? Three boxes!

multi-media

We stayed home from church today - something we never do. Chris hasn't plowed us out yet, so here we are. Doesn't even feel like Sunday. We watched a podcast sermon from Cornerstone Simi Valley - Francis Chan is the pastor, and he's awesome. Now Hank is regaling me with riffs on his Christmas guitar. Jack joins in with singing every once in a while. What's my part in the show? I uploaded my first youtube video - it's part one of my last reading. Why only part one? I accidently saved over the long video with this five minute portion. Hmmm. Not an expert with the Flip video program. Not an expert at anything, really, but that's a post for another day. Now I will attempt to embed the video. Watch this! Okay, in case you didn't know, just pasting in the url in the body of the blog doesn't work. Gonna try something else now. Watch this! Sigh. Trying something else now. watch this.